Imperfectly Worthy

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Imperfectly Worthy. Absolutely Ordinary

The other day huddled in a coffee shop with a friend the conversation veered left. “So what are you really learning I pressed.”

He stared into my coffee cup.  “Look it’s  steaming.”

Which was extraordinary, given the fact we’d been sitting there for over 5 minutes.

“I’m learning that  a lot of people are “RIP””

What?”

“Retired In Place.” He smiled.

My mind wandered. I wondered if perhaps that was my problem. Dead in place. I was in a soul- spirit fight. My soul desperate to be ‘perfectly extraordinary’ with all the outward success markers of a ‘special’ ‘valuable’ ‘important’ life. My spirit, heaven bent on the truth; I am nothing without God, love or truth. I am imperfectly worthy.

It’s been a year of absolute ordinary, imperfect experiences. And sometimes being so absolutely ordinary, un-extraordinary is more than I can take.  A part of me is obsessed with being extraordinary.

Ah. My spirit reminds me this is just ‘shame’ jamming on your heart again…

You know ‘shame,’ she arrives anytime you are face to face with your ordinary, imperfect self and all those behaviors,results and life history you hope no one finds out about… Shame admonishes, “Don’t tell, don’t get too close and certainly don’t even think about being vulnerable or real- because if you tell the truth,  everyone will know what an imperfect, ordinary, loser you are.” And so shame keeps her victims locked up, disconnected, imprisoned in the cage of SELF.

And so I go on. My soul hungry for someone to notice me and for me to make something of all these resources, talents and abilities…While in another part of me my spirit cries. She is hungry, starved for me to be courageous, vulnerable, real and embrace God’s message; I am worthy, loved as is.

My soul has bought lock stock and barrel into the idea that I am what I look like, do, be, have and feel. My spirit reminds me all of those things pass away, but love; well it’s eternal. Yah, but that bank account and those abs would be good about NOW! I pout.

My spirit continues,  “In me all things are possible. Die to yourself. Stop trying to prove yourself. You don’t need to prove your worth. I died for you. You are a miracle. Worthy by birth. Alone many things are impossible, but in me. In God; all things are possible. You are imperfectly worthy and that is perfect.”

Shame has a way of joining hands with judgment and taunting us for our imperfect, ordinary lives.

Shame whispers, “You should have done so much more, you could be so much more…”

Spirit answer’s , “My name is JOY, how dare you call me unworthy. I am a miracle. Absolutely imperfect and worthy. Absolutely incapable and yet victorious. Bought by love. Retired to perfection. Dead to the race to be extra-ordinary outside of  God. Retired from the race for approval and justification. Imperfectly worthy.”

I’m celebrating and honoring my perfectly, imperfect life, a  year full of valleys and ditches, hardship and joy and reminding myself that I am imperfectly worthy.

May your Christmas be full of love for you are worthy– my friend

Photo credit Jeff Shuey!

Pam Hoelzle

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