I use to believe the only way to be free was to be independent.
I shunned the notion of interdependence early on; you see I was unable to see , what I see now; that no person, or thing can rob what is innate, divine, the soul, the spirit and even the truer truth that when we lock people away we don't steal their essential freedom, what they believe; their essence; their soul; their integrity.
For most of my life I have willingly ran down the 'road less traveled' usually in solitary fashion ,waving a flag of independence and justifying that integrity demanded I do things; alone, on my own; my way; independently.
46 years later, I am like the child in the photo, learning a new way.
I have learned that freedom and integrity are innate, spiritual not something I have to prove, earn or achieve and certainly not something anyone can take away .
For years I chose independence and solitude over interdependence and community for fear someone, something, would steal my freedom. I was stuck in scarcity.
What a silly girl, young woman and woman I have been…
Interdependence and Community are not the enemies of freedom and integrity., quite the opposite, I have found.
Today, I'm learning to engage interdependently, courageously holding on to myself, my passion, my innate essence, good, love and faith. I crave community like an immigrant, longing for home.
I have traded independence for interdependence . Somedays life includes community, other days, it is solitary in nature with large amounts of white space for being and becoming.
I am learning to hold out my hand and learn from others, to not always be the one giving, to not always have to lead, I am learning to support, to be behind the scenes, to come beside, to be who I reallly am; 'The wind beneath so many people's wings.
It feels like I"m falling down more than ever, as I trust myself to others, to community, to more connections. Some moments leave me cursing turret style, crying over emotional bruises, misunderstandings, conflict and the awkwardness that comes from being known.
I admit to being tempted, every once in awhile I want to to run back to the safety of independence and race down a solitary road, far, far from anyone, from engagement, from the possibility of exposure, failure, hurting; but most days, these are fleeting thoughts.
Because now I understand;I am free…
and freedom for me is; community, interdependence and solitude.
Because life matters